(no subject)
Oh boy! I was going to delete all of my past entries but on second and third thought I have decided to keep them as whingey and whiny as they are.
It's sort of good to look back and see how I was then.
Maybe I can grow.
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Oh boy! I was going to delete all of my past entries but on second and third thought I have decided to keep them as whingey and whiny as they are.
It's sort of good to look back and see how I was then.
Maybe I can grow.
I made contact with the one that seemed most likely to be okay.
We went for drinks on the sunday night last week, that would have been the 5th March.
At a local pub where there with no civil seating arrangements, just bar stools at high tables dotted around the nearly empty room.
A bunch of dark Indian youths drinking jugs of beer and playing pool and enjoying themselves immensely, a few other people doing what people do at pubs and about 4 or 5 television sets airing various sporting events.
Add some nearly too loud music and you have the setting for our first date.
I realised half way through this event that I don't mind listening to other peoples life stories to a point (then I lose interest) but I couldn't sell my story for a penny.
I'm just not that into me.
Anyway, his shout, my shout, two glasses of wine later we wrapped up the evening with a promise (this foodie person) would cook for me on Friday evening, a lovely steak.
"How do you like your steak?" "Well done, absolutely no blood thanks"
We were to watch Better Homes and Gardens after viewing his attempts at growing culinary herbs and lemon tree, something we have in common.
The show was to be aired from Tasmania, his favourite place in the world ever and a place that I MUST visit before I croak.
Good attempt at growing herbs and lemon tree in containers, not a bad episode of BH&G (I hadn't seen it for years), light salad, corn on the cob and a mooing steak had on stable tables at TV while he sat as close to me as possible. I couldn't eat the steak there was that much blood flowing freely onto the plate.
Oh my dog! What was I doing there???
He has good hugs, solid kisses which I wasn't ready for.
Would I see him again? I don't know.
I've been doing my thing all weekend, overdosing on a tv serial on the computer with my feet up on the desk, eating burger rings and drinking Pepsi, petting my favourite greyhound as she came and went, basically going bohemian as much as possible.
Did I want to sacrifice that for sharing my life with someone? Did I want to have to interact with someone when I'd rather curl up and be left alone?
It would have been a different thing had I grown old with Col. It would have been acceptable and I probably wouldn't do these things.
I can come and go as I please, eat what I want if I want or not if I'm too lazy to cook. I can stray on my way home from work, go to the pictures and see what I want on my own, play medieval music or play my own instruments when I want.
So much I could sacrifice, but for the right person and I think that's what I'm saying here. I'm not sure yet that he's the right person. Only two dates isn't enough to tell.
He's lovely and all, not bad to look at, sort of earth worn, strong for his build, but then he is a male.
Works for Coles, department manager for fruit and veg and is doing a degree online for horticulture.
Like me he's not impressed with the public, has his gripes with management and is doing the best he can for his employers and his position.
He would be good company and good value as a life companion if what I've learned of him is what he is really like in the long term.
And the same goes for me.
If people didn't change after a commitment into their true skins once the fish has been landed.
I would truly kick a man to the curb if true (ugly) colours showed up later.
My worst fear would be a manipulating, forceful, mean man masquerading as a kind gentle soul to suck me dry.
I would hate for someone to use me for whatever money they could get out of me, you see it occasionally on current affairs where a man can suck a woman dry and then disappear.
That would be my dumb arsed luck.
Anyway, I think I will see him again, just to keep testing the waters so to speak, maybe invite him around for a meal, show him my herbs/lemon tree, I don't have a couch to eat tea off, Lily has confiscated that, fortunately I have a table. I am well set up. He'll have to accept the dogs eyeing off his food, accept my love of medieval stuff and my adoration of beautiful hearted Arne Koets.
Sigh. Arne Koets. lol. (That last for "theglaiveagain")
Once again I have come to that point where I find my life getting very stale.
I made a promise to myself nearly a year ago that I would be 'okay' on my own. I didn't need anybody. I can do most things needed to keep my ship afloat.
Even while making this promise I knew that I would probably break it.
And sure enough I have.
Online dating sites are all too common and even having been sullied by one brief encounter a lifetime ago when I was weak I still managed to sign up again.
Today I intend to upgrade my account so I can make contact. I'm sure that it's safe.
There seems to be enough curious men to sift through and find at least one to connect with and suss out.
I keep putting it off though. I'm certain that this is what I want to do right now and I am sure it is safe too.
So here I am, writing in my journal or playing a couple of hands of solitaire, anything instead of signing in and adding a couple of dollars to the account so I can go the next step.
I am well aware that I'm no oil painting, that I'm getting on. Even my personality is not always the most pleasant. So I find myself asking "who are you kidding?"
I remind myself that while I'm not a Rembrandt nor am I a Picasso.
There'll never be a replacement for what I've lost and that's such a shame because I'd love to be able to pick up and carry on from where it ended.
With the wisdom that I have gleaned from this loss I'm sure I can make a better go of it. It will be a major work though.
But I have to sift through the rubble first to find a gem. Who knows it could help to refine me too.
So, here I go.
BRB with details.