sister_michael

So I have two glorious weeks holidays in July where I did the two things I love the most. One is chilling out and the other is to attend a yearly pilgrimage to my fave pastime gathering. Beautiful weather one weekend while I'm out and about, pouring down rain and blowing a gale when I could stay indoors and read to my hearts content the next.

One day back at work and I'm in the poo.
It seems I am supposed to have told someone that someone else is saying bad things about them.
So I'm in the bad books with the gossipees because the "gossiped about" went and said I overheard them talking about her and I told her.

Now here's the dumb thing. I didn't even speak to either person on my first day back because I was kept hopping all day.
I asked gossipers what's up and I am told I am supposed to have repeated their chat to "gossiped about" when that's not even what they said.
??? What the fudge???
I assured gossipers that it most certainly wasn't me. Then I went to "gossiped about" and said "wtf?" She is adamant it was me who repeated said gossip to her. When? That previous afternoon. Are you sure it wasn't 'so-and-so'? we are always getting mistaken for each other. No, it was me. My memory isn't that bad. I would have remembered. What I do remember is being kept so busy and not going anywhere near her. Co worker chimes in and said that it most likely wasn't her (me) she's not like that then she said that it was this other person.

Confused yet?

That person turns up at work today and I challenge her and was about to tell her not to spread gossip. No, she says, it wasn't me.
It has been said by many people that none of these people can be trusted and never to say anything around them because they'll repeat it. Good advice if I was a gossiper, but I'm not.

I've been worried about this because people believe what they want to believe and now my name is mud. I think.
Then tonight I remind myself (and I will advise her at the 'hearing' next wednesday that I don't care enough about most people to repeat gossip about them and if I did care about someone they were talking about I would stop them right there and then and tell them to stop the gossip. Simple as that.

So man of the moment and I have been feeding each other. One day he'll cook for me and on another I'll cook for him.
I've had more time lately so I've cooked for him more often than he for me.
He likes to cook and loves to eat and has a constant delivery of wines to his front door. He actually reads the labels. The only label I read is the price tag.
Anyway, I had given up cooking because "Daughter of Mine" has gone vegetarian and I don't eat so much any more.
Suddenly I feel the need to compete with "man of the moment" by getting out my old recipe books and trying out some supposedly tried and tested recipes.
Oh boy! I haven't killed us yet. Most of the meals have been identifiable and reasonably nourishing but they also provide entertainment for the evening. And by that I mean a good ol' belly laugh.
Take for instance Pork Belly marinated in a mix of juices, brown sugar, marmalade jam. Well of course that's going to turn into some toxic sludge in bottom of the roasting pan.
Sigh, a couple of days soak and it will be right as rain.
Food. Eh? Cant live without it, cant get it right.

But at least there's always wine. Right?

Well 'he' has been away for 8 days. Been on a little holiday he has.
Went to a little place down south that is very dear to his heart.
He texted me daily and sent pics.
I didn't miss him like someone madly in love but I did miss him.

He's back tomorrow, I'll be picking him up from the airport in the evening.
I probably should cook him tea since he'll be tired and all from an early start and 3 flights.

I think it's time to sit down and ask where, if anywhere we are heading.
I would like to know if he is interested enough in me to consider a relationship.

This shouldn't be difficult but I'm worried. Maybe we both want different things.
I want an old fashioned relationship that lasts into old age.
Sex isn't important, mutual understanding, compatibility and trust is.

I have no idea how to start this conversation but it needs to be started.

One day I decided to look into adopting a greyhound.
I had no idea how this would go but after living with terriers for close on 12 years how bad could it be, right?

I adopted one, was given another and when that one passed on I found another.

Beautiful animals, full of love and fun, love to sleep and eat and have affection poured out on them. (when they're not digging holes or destroying a teddy)

They have well and truly ensconced themselves into the fabric of our lives. My daughter being their mum and I am Grammy, just so they don't get confused by having two mums.

Anyway, me being a fickle female thought my life isn't complete without a man, decided to go hunting, or fishing in this case.
Caught a 'fish', had a couple of dates, he fed me at his place then I fed him at my place.

We share an interest in herbs, he showed me his so I showed him mine. All the while greyhounds are following us around the yard quietly demanding pats and leans (it's what greys do, just lean when you stand still).

A couple of pats were given I think a bit begrudgingly but they were given. Then we decided to sit outside, drink wine, chat then eat tea.
Dog one came a couple of time for the occasional pat but was rewarded with a cold shoulder, a very noticeable pulling away.
I know it's not right for them to come to the table and I did send him (dog) away.

He made no mention of the dogs the whole time he was there, no word of liking them nor disliking them was offered.
But I got the sure impression that he is not a dog person.
He did relate a story about how ex wife got a cat against his wishes then another two when that one left.
How he was glad to be rid of that situation.

There are many little e-cards expressing a dog owners preferences of their fur family to people who don't like them and I would happily post any one of them at my door or as my profile on a dating site if ever I was to use one again.

It has been a while since I have been forced to make do for myself and I have survived. Making decisions of importance, fixing things for myself or not and coping. I thought I could just slip back into being dependent once again with a little help from the right man.
I don't think there is just such a creature. I think I'm happy to be independent and bask in the love of my dogs and Daughter Of Mine.
My dogs are my family with unconditional love and gratitude for who I am with all of my faults and failings, I will never get that from a man.

Just the best ever beef stroganoff EVER!

3 dates down and I'm starting to warm to this guy.
I feel very comfortable with him, especially after a couple of glasses of Shiraz.

I think he is far more intelligent for someone who uses these dating sites and this is fantastic.

He is a caring sort of person with enough compassion to do his job to the best of his abilities yet leave enough compassion for himself.

He's currently doing an online course for horticulture and is just starting to feel the magnitude of the task.

I'm truly taken by him and I hope I didn't embarrass myself with a head full of delicious red wine.

So I got up from the computer and just walked out into the yard, donned a pair of gloves and started to pull weeds from the garden.
Truth is, I have more grass in my garden than in my lawn.
Damn hard stuff to get rid off with its long and tough running roots.
But there it was, a really nice bunch of Aloe Vera under all this long grass. Then I found more tarragon than you could shake a forky stick at and more turmeric coming up than I knew I had.

Previous owners of my residence decided to put in garden edges to bound the pretties from the lawn. "Let's have nice curvy shapes" they must have said thinking it would be soothing to the eye. Mowing it is a strategic nightmare. I have to take off the curved edges of the lawn before I can start mowing straight.

Anyway, I have found a really good way to keep the weeds down (in some places) is to chuck in a couple of knobs of turmeric, galangle, ginger or cardamon seeds. Nothing grows under the lush green foliage. But out in the open between the bay trees and in and around the other herbs you can bet the grass and various weeds will reign supreme.

I'm on to you buggers. I have the garden fork of doom and your days are numbered.
Bring on the Voltaren gel and medicinal wine.

We are surrounded by some of natures most beautiful landscape.
Waterfalls, swimming holes, creeks and forests.
Some close by some a bit further away and more still well out of reach for me.

My ideal camping trip would be to be close to home so I could run to safety if need be yet far enough away to enjoy nature the way it's meant to be enjoyed, in seclusion.
Lightly forested, creek/water hole close by, relative seclusion and other campers not too close.

In order to be comfortable with camping I'd have to do it often just so I'm practiced at setting up, lighting fires (if allowed of course) and being well equipped.
I have tent, ground sheet, tarp, bed, sleeping bag, stove, gas, kettle (most important), eating tackle,trivet and cauldron, griddle, esky, table, chairs, torch, lights.
All I need now is a loo thing, tarp poles, rope and courage.

 Well here I am back from "out there".

I made contact with the one that seemed most likely to be okay.
We went for drinks on the sunday night last week, that would have been the 5th March.
At a local pub where there with no civil seating arrangements, just bar stools at high tables dotted around the nearly empty room.
A bunch of dark Indian youths drinking jugs of beer and playing pool and enjoying themselves immensely, a few other people doing what people do at pubs and about 4 or 5 television sets airing various sporting events.
Add some nearly too loud music and you have the setting for our first date.

I realised half way through this event that I don't mind listening to other peoples life stories to a point (then I lose interest) but I couldn't sell my story for a penny.
I'm just not that into me.

Anyway, his shout, my shout, two glasses of wine later we wrapped up the evening with a promise (this foodie person) would cook for me on Friday evening, a lovely steak.
"How do you like your steak?" "Well done, absolutely no blood thanks"
We were to watch Better Homes and Gardens after viewing his attempts at growing culinary herbs and lemon tree, something we have in common.
The show was to be aired from Tasmania, his favourite place in the world ever and a place that I MUST visit before I croak.

Good attempt at growing herbs and lemon tree in containers, not a bad episode of BH&G (I hadn't seen it for years), light salad, corn on the cob and a mooing steak had on stable tables at TV while he sat as close to me as possible.  I couldn't eat the steak there was that much blood flowing freely onto the plate.

Oh my dog! What was I doing there???

He has good hugs, solid kisses which I wasn't ready for.

Would I see him again? I don't know.

I've been doing my thing all weekend, overdosing on a tv serial on the computer with my feet up on the desk, eating burger rings and drinking Pepsi, petting my favourite greyhound as she came and went, basically going bohemian as much as possible.

Did I want to sacrifice that for sharing my life with someone? Did I want to have to interact with someone when I'd rather curl up and be left alone?

It would have been a different thing had I grown old with Col. It would have been acceptable and I probably wouldn't do these things.

I can come and go as I please, eat what I want if I want or not if I'm too lazy to cook.  I can stray on my way home from work, go to the pictures and see what I want on my own, play medieval music or play my own instruments when I want.
So much I could sacrifice, but for the right person and I think that's what I'm saying here. I'm not sure yet that he's the right person. Only two dates isn't enough to tell.

He's lovely and all, not bad to look at, sort of earth worn, strong for his build, but then he is a male.
Works for Coles, department manager for fruit and veg and is doing a degree online for horticulture.

Like me he's not impressed with the public, has his gripes with management and is doing the best he can for his employers and his position.

He would be good company and good value as a life companion if what I've learned of him is what he is really like in the long term.
And the same goes for me.
If people didn't change after a commitment into their true skins once the fish has been landed.
I would truly kick a man to the curb if true (ugly) colours showed up later.

My worst fear would be a manipulating, forceful, mean man masquerading as a kind gentle soul to suck me dry.
I would hate for someone to use me for whatever money they could get out of me, you see it occasionally on current affairs where a man can suck a woman dry and then disappear.
That would be my dumb arsed luck.

Anyway, I think I will see him again, just to keep testing the waters so to speak, maybe invite him around for a meal, show him my herbs/lemon tree, I don't have a couch to eat tea off, Lily has confiscated that, fortunately I have a table. I am well set up. He'll have to accept the dogs eyeing off his food, accept my love of medieval stuff and my adoration of beautiful hearted Arne Koets.

Sigh. Arne Koets. lol. (That last for "theglaiveagain")

Once again I have come to that point where I find my life getting very stale.

I made a promise to myself nearly a year ago that I would be 'okay' on my own. I didn't need anybody. I can do most things needed to keep my ship afloat.
Even while making this promise I knew that I would probably break it.
And sure enough I have.

Online dating sites are all too common and even having been sullied by one brief encounter a lifetime ago when I was weak I still managed to sign up again.
Today I intend to upgrade my account so I can make contact. I'm sure that it's safe.

There seems to be enough curious men to sift through and find at least one to connect with and suss out.

I keep putting it off though. I'm certain that this is what I want to do right now and I am sure it is safe too.

So here I am, writing in my journal or playing a couple of hands of solitaire, anything instead of signing in and adding a couple of dollars to the account so I can go the next step.

I am well aware that I'm no oil painting, that I'm getting on. Even my personality is not always the most pleasant. So I find myself asking "who are you kidding?"
I remind myself that while I'm not a Rembrandt nor am I a Picasso.

There'll never be a replacement for what I've lost and that's such a shame because I'd love to be able to pick up and carry on from where it ended.
With the wisdom that I have gleaned from this loss I'm sure I can make a better go of it. It will be a major work though.
But I have to sift through the rubble first to find a gem. Who knows it could help to refine me too.

So, here I go.

BRB with details.